barbara_v_live

Somewhere down the road of life

Thu, 18 Sep 2008 18:20:56 GMT

Hello. It's been a while. I'm a bit further down the road of life from when I last posted here.

I have a few new on-line friends, and one of them, greatgaara40 , suggested that I put some stuff in my journal that I wrote to her. I'm feeling unaccountably shy, though.

So, most everyone who reads this knows I've been spending a lot of my free time writing fan-fiction these days. So far, I've written three long stories, three in Naruto universe, and one for Junjo Romantica. I've written a bunch of short things as well, and one five-chapter Junjo Romantica story which falls in between short and long.

Eh, I'm a little burned out on Junjo Romantica right now, to the point where I have the newest English volume sitting on my couch in its box and I haven't opened it yet! That does partly have to do with the fact that I have three boxes of yaoi in my living room which I'm allowed to go through and read. I'm going to yaoicon in a week (HURRAY!) and two of my Internet friends have shipped their books to me that they're going to sell at the swap meet at Yaoicon. :)

Anyway...I didn't really care for how my last story and I were treated at the junjou_fanatics community here at Live Journal, and it's soured me a bit on JR. It's not the author's fault, but I can't help associating the story and characters with the nasty attitudes of some of the fans. *sigh* My goal has been to treat this as a growth opportunity, and so I'm really glad of the chance to learn how to survive negative criticism. But I still can't like people who disregard the author's feelings when giving criticism and give no positive comments. In addition, I can't stand the entitled, whiny attitude of some readers who seem to think they should be able to tell the author what to write. That really goes against the grain for me. Not just because I dislike being told what to write, but as a reader, I'd never dream of telling an author what to write. It's there; take it as it is, take it where you need to in your own mind, but .... readers don't get input. That's my stance.

Okay that's not what greatgaara told me to post about! But it's what's on my mind.

Right now I'm working on yet another long Naruto story. I just got restarted on it and wrote a thousand words or so yesterday and got my groove back.

Okay what greatgaara thought I should post about. Yeah! I'm taking Japanese one night a week at the community college in my city. Let's call it "Shiitikarejji," because that's what my Japanese textbook calls it. :D The class goes from 6:15 to 9:35pm. And I manage to do about five hours of homework a week. That seems to be keeping me afloat and moving me toward my goal, which is to learn enough Japanese both to get around in Japan when my family and I go there and also to be able to translate manga for a scanlation group. Yaoi manga, of course! In particular, I would like to translate the works of Nishida Higashi and Kodaka Kazuma. If by the time I'm knowledgeable enough to translate all of the works of Nishida-sensei are already scanlated, I'll be a happy woman. A happy woman who understands Japanese. :D Nothing wrong with that.

Anyway, my class is really cool. It's a mix of students and working people, though I'd say most of them are young. Still, they all seem really motivated to learn. Quite a few in our class are Chinese (some from Taiwan, some from...I don't know!) and so have already learned a foreign language well enough to get around. Those folks are doing really well for the most part.

In my little corner of the room sit Emily, Ariel, and me. Emily is in her 20's, just graduated from the State College in Philosophy, and works in their Philosophy Dept as an administrative assistant. She's that person who helps everyone get what they need. She's been groaning about the arrogance of undergrads lately :D She is tall, beautiful, and confident. I get to call her Emily-chan. We made friends on the first night. Ariel is a young Taiwanese woman, now permanently residing in the US with her Taiwanese husband who travels for business. He takes Ariel with him, and she's been to Japan five times! She's working in real estate as a property manager, I think. She seems like a very focused student.

The other night, Emily, Ariel and I checked our homework together, because sensei, in a typical sensei act, posted the corrections, but they were from the wrong edition. Sensei is...a bit of a space case. She's disconnected from us. LOL It took her a long time to realize that most of us had NO TEXT BOOKS. She was telling us to share books, and I said "Sensei, did you realize that NO ONE on this side of the room HAS a book?" "Oh??? Oh!!!" Yeah, sensei. LOL I really love her. She's very funny. Uchima-sensei.

Then the three of us did our drills together. "Doriru," in our textbook. That was fun. Japanese class is almost always fun. In fact, it's always fun, but last night I was almost too tired to enjoy it.

Well, that's all for now. My life. It's good.

a spiritual epiphany

Fri, 22 Feb 2008 20:40:36 GMT

First, sorry for not posting. Don't know who I'm apologizing to. I kind of lost the thread of this journal. I've been putting my DA journal to creative use, though. That journal is usually about writing and art, and this one gets to be more personal. And this is a really personal post.

Approaching Starbucks, I had to stop because huge garbage cans were blocking the sidewalk, and there was only room for one direction of foot traffic. Four people passed by, and none acknowledged my courtesy. Then I went into Starbucks, and a bearded dude crossed my path with hot coffee and didn't even blink to acknowledge I'd had to stop for him. I was getting peeved.

Then I thought, "I feel gloomy and mad." And I stopped. I stopped walking, and I looked at my surroundings and just took them in. And I "checked in with myself," as they say. Actually, I think I was reaching inside myself for something healing, something pleasant, to counteract my annoyance with the passersby, because I wanted to have a good start to the morning.

What I thought was, "Maybe I'm aroused" (because a lot of the time I am, because I'm thinking about yaoi). Then my next thought was "I'm not aroused, I'm filled with hope," only it wasn't in words, it was just a feeling of energy rising from my pelvic area to my stomach and my heart. And then I suddenly thought, "Oh! I'm pushing my energy up a couple of chakras! I'm moving sexual energy into love" (and specifically self-love and generosity toward others).

There is a lot of back story to all that, but I just want to pause to say that at that moment, it was like a revelation. That I had the capability to shift my mood and my energy like that, and that I'd affirmed something I'd always doubted.

The back story is in two parts. First, way back. Back when I was going to plays with Glen, and was in love with Glen, one evening he said to me, "You need to let your energy rise to a higher chakra." (Oh that wasn't quite it; I'll remember it soon, the exact words). And it totally miffed me! Because he was saying I was focussing on sexual feelings and should reach for something spiritually higher. Well, of course, if someone says something that sounds like "you're not good enough," I'm bound to take it that way. Also it was a little pompous of Glen. But what do you want? He was 16 or something. 17.

Second piece of back story was Wednesday evening, at therapy. I was talking with Amy about projection. Projection being when you cast your own inner qualities on someone else, because you can't believe you have those qualities. And I looked at her and said, "I have to work on understanding that this is me," "this" being creativity, energy,ebullience...life. And I got what my next step was, but not how to do it.

And in that moment in Starbuck's, I totally did it. I took the next step. I stopped projecting my emotions onto my fellow man and took hold of them and said "I'm love." Or something very much like that.

I bet I'm not getting this across, but it was a stupdendous moment.

HUMP

Tue, 22 Jan 2008 19:34:00 GMT

I was just having an amusing exchange with a friend (Lene) about the word "hump." That word is just giving me so much laughter the past couple of days.

Of course, there has been lots of humping going on at my house, if you use the term loosely. I had the temerity to tell Jonathan last night after our latest session, "That was both really fucked-up and great at the same time!" I apologized this morning, but he had forgotten, so my apology only served to remind him..but he didn't seem bothered.

I also confessed to him something that has bothered me for a long, long time but I hadn't wanted to reveal it, because it scared me too much. I can't orgasm without fantasizing, and I really want to. I told him, "I want to be more like you!" LOL great goal.

I love the mens, I really do.

MORE HUMP

I had a big, scary task hanging over my head this morning, and I got over the HUMP of completing it. As it turns out, there has to be an additional conversation about this task, but I'm hoping to get it sorted out some time this afternoon. it's for my big project, the bus passenger survey. WE're trying to get the request for proposals out the door so we can get the survey done by the end of the school year. Deadlines! They make me nervous!

FINALLY WROTE

I finally wrote something. Actually, it hasn't been that long. I've written things for collaborative projects, but since they were so much fun, I didn't count them. Dumb. Anyway, I wrote another chapter for the Iruka Moves series, which is turning into a real project. It has several goals, and I'm starting to feel like I've bitten off a huge amount, but I'm not going to back down; I'm just going to try to "me debrouiller" as the French say. It means "get through it somehow," i think. that's how I work best.

WEll..I got over the "hump," but there is still lots to do before the day ends, so that's it for now.

I Want to Register a Complaint

Wed, 16 Jan 2008 20:25:25 GMT

I was almost in tears as I walked from the parking lot to the building this morning. As you can imagine, this is an almost unheard-of situation even for a tearful person such as myself. And why was I crying?

Hybrid Child. by Shungiku Nakamura

This yaoi manga was recommended by Dark Chibi Shadow, my fellow Junjo fanatic over at deviantart.com (if you get a chance to check out her stuff, do so! She's very talented. She also does a web comic called WIRES that is really good). And she was right. It is a really good manga.

But it left me in a state of despair. I cried harder over this book than anything fictional I can remember for a long time. Is my mind slowly turning to yaoi jelly, or was this book just truly affecting? I don't want to give spoilers, but I'll tell you what's running through my mind: "Why bother to love when people lose the person they love through circumstances completely out of their control ALL THE TIME? What's the POINT? Here I am trying to lead a life that is real and authentic and cure myself of my addictive and repetitive behaviors (not very succesfully mind you, witness the yaoi obsession), but I really am starting to think that we should all just subside into our own little worlds of self-stimulation and never love anyone. Because you are just going to end up in a LOT OF PAIN."

Well, I doubt that that is really the message of the book, but that's what I'm carrying away from it.

It's a beautiful book.

KIRIBAN TIME

Francine and I are approaching 1000 hits at Deviantart, and Francine offered to do the official artwork of 1000 posts. I have it all ready to go on all computers so I can post it when the fateful hit occurs (if I'm around). YAY!

WORK

I've really been wanting vaguely to get back into work in a serious way; I've been really kind of out of it. But today is it, and I'm not happy. I have this long, single-spaced e-mail from a perfectly nice attorney detailing what I need to do to fix the Survey RFP so it is unlikely to lead to confusion and lawsuits, and I'm so bamboozled. I'm intimidated. But I will carry on, nonetheless. After lunch.

CUTE KIDS
Sam's report card came last night, but neither he nor I looked at it. So casual!

A picture of a naked woman sitting on top of a man with his erection exposed appeared on the main computer at home! Neither Sam nor Jonathan would claim it. I told both of them, I have no objection whatever to boys and men looking at such things, but they can't be left where Francine can see them. I deleted it.

Francine was very happy and jolly last night, reading a really cute manga for kids called Ueki something that I realyl want to read myself (hope she left it at home) and drawing and coloring our kiriban picture. She was very sweet and huggy both last night and this morning.

CWAZY PAWWOT

that crazy bird. Sam left some red duplos out, and the parrot busied himself prying them apart this morning, then took one of them and scraped it on the floor so it would squeak, and he squeaked along with it. He is so insane.

WRIITING & ART

I'm vaguely wanting to write the next installment of Iruka Moves... I also think I should do a Chibi Love, but I'm not feeling any particular inspiration on it. I just looked at my original one again today and thought the art actually looked pretty good! maybe my mind really is turning to jelly.

KURT

I am now the proud owner of "Live In Chicago Outtakes," so I have all of his albums. Anyone who knows more bout Kurt than me feel free to correct me. I have: Close Your Eyes, The Messenger, the one with Rosa Morena on it, Live In Chicago, Man in the Air, and Night Moves. Now the outtakes. That's all of them, I think. Heh heh, I am a Kurt freak.

I guess that's it. I'm actually feeling much less trashed about Life and Love than I was this morning, but I was surprisingly bummed by that story. I don't even want to think about it and get myself started again.

Lonely, Lonely Journal!

Wed, 16 Jan 2008 01:56:42 GMT

ACK! I haven't posted at all in the new year!

Well, then, happy new year, anyone who may read this. I got pretty excited about its being a new year for the first time in well over a decade, this new year's eve. I have fairly low expectations of 2008, as I did so much growing and changing in 2007, and usually after a year of great growth, I have a year of assimilation.

It started in the spring, when I had a day of depression, and dear, dear friend Darcee over at the Village said I shouldn't mess around but should Seek Professional Help. I was really not into that. After 15ish years in therapy, I really didn't want to "go back," but I was scared to be depressed, and Darcee really helped me through another, different passage of my life and steered me in the right direction, so I tend to trust her. So I found this therapist, Amy, and thought, I'll give her a try, and if she doesn't fit, I'll fire her and try someone else.

But she turned out to be a really good fit for me, and ever since I started seeing her, I've had this enormous spiritual growth, I guess I'd have to call it. For one thing, I didn't get depressed, which is good, but I also started writing and drawing, almost as a direct result of therapy, and started this whole new era of sex n intimacy between me and Jonathan that has been such a huge gift. OH yeah and I got that big promotion at work! That was after I started with Amy. It's easy to forget how intimidated I was by that interview. Yeah, the job has really played a part in my reflowering too. It made me feel so proud of myself to step into Franklin's shoes and honestly face the challenges before me.

This whole thing of not having confidence has just been a huge obstacle for me, and this job has really made me face up to that. I've had to do things I didn't feel confident to do. I just had to focus on the job and using the available resources and not spending energy putting myself down. Ron, my mentor, has also been a huge help in that respect. It's so funny, the first couple of years I knew Ron I never would have called him a mentor. I thought he was really pompous and full of himself. But I've let down my guard with him and accepted his help, and I find he's really a very good guy. HE's ambitious, you see, and I'm really not used to ambitious people. I tend to be suspicious of them.

So, happy 2008. I'm planning on having one.

My big new thing is the long novel I'm betaing for "my author" over at adultfanfiction.net. I found out today "my author" is a woman named Jackie> I knew her name was Jackie, but I didn't know if she was a girl or boy LOL I thought a woman, because she was so supportive. Men just tend to be more self-absorbed. Anyway she is a really neat person, and she and I have really struck up a warm relationship. SO COOL! So anyway I'm really into editing her work. I just sit here and read and edit. It makes me feel good to add to someone else's work in this way. Betaing is joyous in a way completely different from writing (betaing is MUCH MUCH easier!). But different also in that it uses different skills.

Anyway, I'm excited about that. I've written three short pieces for kakairu over the past week or so and posted them all at DA as well so my young coterie there can read them (that sounds so vain! But most of my friends at DA are teen girls. They're not really MY coterie; more like I'm their shepherdess or something LOL). I really want to add another chapter to my "Iruka Moves" series.

OH! I'm also almost at 1000 page views at DA, so I'd better do some art for that tonight. I don't want to be caught short!

KIDS
Kids are back at school. Sam was extremely funny describing all of the kids at school yesterday wandering around asking "Why am I here? Why am I here?" in a doleful tone of voice. WHat a funny kid. AND OH YEAH! He got an A- on one final and A+'s on the other three. Grades should arrive any day, I think. I really have to stop and be grateful more often for the fact that he works hard in school. I may have said this before, but he gets better grades than I did in high school. OH! And they are starting up an honors program at his school, and he will be in it. He qualifies for highest honors!!!!

Francine is pretty happy. I'm still not spending enough time with her. She told me yesterday Morning that she likes me to walk her to school, because we get there early, and also because she likes to spend the time with me. She was holding my hand at the time. :)

OH! And we had a Sanitary Napkin Instructional Session this weekend LOL Or maybe it was last weekend. She was really good with it, and even wore it around for a while. I'm glad she seems okay with it, because she hasn't been too keen on the whole idea of womanhood so far. She'll have an easier time than I did, though, i'm guessing. I hid it for a few months before my mom finally asked if I was the one throwing hte blood-stained underwear into the hamper. Gack.

OK I think that's enough for now...basically everything is okay, but I've been a little lackluster.

sigh back at work

Mon, 31 Dec 2007 20:41:12 GMT

Well, actually I thought it would be harder than it is. So you could say I'm counting my blessings.

I'm a little bored, but I expect that will change when I start applying myself to a project.

For now, the survey is waiting for the attention of others.

So that leaves Translink...I have a document to review, and the rest of those itineraries to compose.

SEX
Didn't get any yesterday! But I did get a lot of

SLEEP
I fell asleep around 8:30 after having had a nap earlier in the day. I slept through till around 4:00 and then fitfully after that. I kept waking up and trying to get Jonathan interested in sex, but never very hard. It's a funny way to sleep! I kept dreaming about sex, too.

FAMILY
We went for another walk in the park yesterday. Ran into an acquaintance, Dave F, with his family :) Usually it's Francine's friends we run into. WE had Francine's friend Stuey along, and they got along really well. I kept telling them not to gossip, and they kept saying they weren't, but they were. It's funny, kind of, because I think both of them have suffered from being shunned to some extent. But they can't see that they're doing more or less the same thing.

FOOD
Made pound cake with Sam after we got back. We used that funny white/whole wheat flour that Jonathan bought. The cake came out fine, even so! Browner than usual, but tasty. We all had some with Nutella on it. The cake is really tasty just by itself though.

ART & WRITING
I did none yesterday, except I wrote a short kakairu, still trying to get it beta'd. I sent it to T with the wrong format at first. I also volunteered to participate in a group project. Neither of my comic series is calling to me right now.

NEW YEAR'S EVE
I have a bottle of Piper Sonoma and asked Jonathan to invite Stephanie and Dave. We'll see. I could make the quiche I didn't make last night. I get to leave early because I got here around 7:30. Yay.

that's about it! I'm bored and lonely! WAH! Pity me...I have my work though...

Quiet Morning

Sat, 29 Dec 2007 16:28:00 GMT

Saturday...I go back to work in two days! I've been so spoiled by these empty hours....but I'm looking forward to working again.

Mel and Francine are here with me...they're about to play Super Smash Brothers. I like Mel more and more. Last night I was pretty stern with her about eating her dinner, then I chatted with her about how her mom handles that at home. Mel very simply told me that it's hard for her when she's served food that she's not used to. No whining, just a statement. I do think she's aware of how charming she is. I think she's very, very intelligent. The only down side of Mel is her emotional manipulations. She has a dark streak inside her, something that wants to hurt people. Heh, I have that too.

Mel is dark and thin. Dark, like the children I thought I'd have...I'm a little sad I didn't have any dark children. The dark hair and skin just don't seem to get handed down that easily.

ART

I did four pieces yesterday, two How Did I Get Here? and two Chibi Love. I couldn't find the song I was thinking of when I titled How Did I Get Here? I found one that I might have been thinking of, but it's more Why Do I Love You? I think it was a Rodgers & Hammerstein thing. "How did I get here?" is actually from that Talking Heads song. Heh. Anyway...I'm really enjoying the art. I might do more today.

WRITING

I'm going to take another crack at the Sand story when I finish typing this in. I'm going to start with a different approach: different location, different feeling. I'm going to keep switching approaches till I get that feeling...that "Eureka" feeling. I was thinking this earlier today, and I realized "I'm not scared of writing anymore. I'm going to grab this thing by the gullet, one way or another."

To me, that's just incredible. If that's the ONLY thing I've gotten about this period since November 7 when I started writing Recapturing Love, then that's enough.

YAOI

I think I'm finally tired of reading yaoi manga! Whew! I'm going to put more energy into reading stories by my colleagues at Kakairu now :) But first I have to write a little.

SEX

I got it twice yesterday. Nice. We actually missed two days before that! The first time yesterday set off this amazing train of thought...more like a burst of feeling. And I made a page of How Did I Get Here? from that. It phailed, in terms of the drawing, and I waited too long for the words...the original words were much more passionate. But it's worth trying to capture peak moments like that, I think. For some reason, that particular page got a lot of views at DA...I don't know why at all! It hasn't got any comments at all, so I don't know what people are thinking. I'm happy with views, though. No one tell me that they might not mean anything.

FOOD

I made a pretty bad dinner last night!! LOL It was partly bad because I was drawing and didn't hear the timer go off. :D

FAMILY

Not sure what we'll do today...Mel & Fran want Japan Town, but I nixed that...and I MEAN it! I do need to go grocery shopping.

OK Off to write about Sand. Heh.

Crick! Crack!

Thu, 27 Dec 2007 16:14:20 GMT

That's just me cracking my toes, not the start of an amazing story or anything (Krick! Krack! is the title of an amazing book of stories by Edwidge Danticat. Check it out if you haven't had a chance yet!).

SPEAKING OF AMAZING STORIES

Or stories that dumbfound you...I posted five chapters of an autobiographical series at Live Journal, called "How Did I Get Here?" It's actually very embarrassing to look at the situation I got myself into, but it's fascinating to draw and write, and I'm learning something about my life by doing it.

FAMILY

I told poothetic that I would spend time with my family today instead of just hiding from them and bitching about them. I really have become a poor excuse for a mom since I got this computer and started doing art and writing. I did cook them dinner, though. And took Francine and Mel to Japan Town. And watched a REALLY REALLY bad movie with Jonathan (husband). It's called The Puffy Chair. It actually had some charm, but really just a very small amount. Ebert says THUMBS DOWN!

I'm Ebert, because my friend from the Village (parenting site I've belonged to for a long, long time) wanted to be Siskel, because he's not fat. I said fine, at least I'm alive. She and I like a lot of the same movies.

MANGA

Francine got the February Shonen Jump already! Yay! It's exciting...

And I got new yaoi manga from Amazon. No, I haven't stopped wasting my money on that stuff, even though I now can get free scanlations on-line. I think Jonathan needs to lose his job again so I can stop spending money like this. I have to get serious.

SEX

Speaking of Jonathan...we did it again after I had gone to sleep. Yes, yes I woke up, but barely. I kept falling back asleep, but then I would find this big penis in my hand...it was like a lovely dream. I ended up having this really strong orgasm...I think it was completely accidental. He put his finger in me, and then he came on my breast, and my mind was like "WOW YOU JUST CAME ON MY BREAST" and I totally spasmed all over the place. Awesome.

RANDOM

As in...I am so....

Maybe we should all go for a nice walk today. The sun is out! It would be a good day to pay tribute to beautiful Mt Tam. We haven't been there in forever.

All through the house...

Wed, 26 Dec 2007 14:35:27 GMT

It's very quiet here, the morning after Christmas... no one else is up yet, except for Jonathan popping up to use the toilet or put out the trash. He's sick this morning. I hope I didn't poison him with my incompletely-roasted chicken...yuck. No sex today, I guess. We were pretty wild yesterday, though.

Eh...post-Christmas letdown. Back to work in just five days (then another day off, whee!). Actually, work will help me get my head back on straight.

We had a happy day. It went by really slowly. Christmas day always has! And it's funny that, even though as I've gotten older, time has gone by more and more swiftly, that Christmas day still goes by so slowly. That just proves once more that Christmas really is a special day.

I actually did two Chibi Love comics yesterday and posted them. I seem to be losing my audience. I think I'm scaring my two friends who are reading it with how graphic it's become! I just needed to take it there, though.

Lying awake in bed this morning, I got an idea for a serious comic. I doubt I have the drawing skills to do it, but it's exciting, and I can take it a lot of different directions. It would be about my ex-boyfriend David, our relationship, breakup, his death, my therapy...all kinds of things! I might start it today and see how I do. I really need larger paper for it, though. I might actually go to Flax later.

Speaking of therapy, I can't forget to go see Amy today. URK. Otherwise, I have NO PLANS. Maybe get the house a little more cleaned up.

Maybe I should start a new story, too. I'm feeling at loose ends!

I think that's it...yesterday really was not a regular day! I know my entries are better when I use section headings, but it really wasn't a section-heading sort of day. Seriously!

LATER

Okay, I did three submissions at Deviant Art, two episodes of Chibi Love, and the first episode of my new, personal series:

http://mrshatake.deviantart.com/art/Chibi-Love-10-73017567
http://mrshatake.deviantart.com/art/Chibi-Love-11-73017723
http://mrshatake.deviantart.com/art/Dreaming-of-David-73018066

That was fun, but now I'm kind of grumpy, and VERY HUNGRY, and I need to go buy a few groceries.

Christmas Coming....

Mon, 24 Dec 2007 17:01:15 GMT

Yep, it's still coming! Can't stop it now! LOL

The folks are coming between 1:00 and 2:00. I've already rolled out my rolls, and the Yule Log is basically done...just needs the mushrooms stuck in it and a mint leaf, which Sam proposes to go buy later...cute kid! Had a hell of a time last night between the Yule Log and its varioius part and mixing the rolls...I had one of those Mom moments of wanting to put a stake of holly in the heart of Christmas...yeah, my mom always had at least one moment of complete exhaustion and defeat during the holidays. Funny woman, now that I look back on it. At the time it was kind of terrifying. Francine is not terrified, and only chides me for being "really grumpy."

Anyway...next step is to reread the roast recipe and figure out when to do what...I can probably get started with the sauce and let it sit and heat it up later. That will probably be best. Then the roast will go in the oven some time after noon. So I think I'm good, and should focus on getting the big table all ready, leaves in, cloth on, placemats and plates...and see if I can find 21 forks LOL Well 20, because Enrique won't need one. (Enrique is really called Santana, I just started spontaneously calling him Enrico, but then realized that's Italian, so he should really be Enrique). (Santana is my second great-nephew, on Jonathan's side. He likes me! And he doesn't really seem to like that many people.)

WRITING

Oh my God people. I finished Recapturing Love. I wrote ALL OF THE CHAPTERS! I'm trying to wrap my brain around it. I love my little story so much. I'm really proud of it, even though parts of it aren't that good, and I see every time I read certain fictions that I'm not nearly as good a writer as some. But that wasn't the goal at all...(even though it's always my goal to be THE BEST, because I'll never feel good enough, I mean there's that part of myself that feels attracted to that feeling). The goal was...just to write! And I did, I did! I wrote a LOT! Who would have thought I could write a 29-chapter story? Not me! Nope! Never would have thought that. But I did it! I'm gleeful... and it was such a romp. I had so much fun throwing in stuff from my mind...the things I love...like birds, and music, and foreign languages, and knittting...and then trying to hit those notes of love and sexuality, and getting excited when by some miracle a way of pounding on those notes just materialized in my mind!

The experience of writing "Desert Nightingale," when it had been in my head, so perfect, and having it come out in a way that satisfied my original vision. The many times I thought I'd "phail" and leave some huge gaping hole in the story, but managed to knit up a patch that fit perfectly! LOL I love the knitting... let's see, how can I make THIS plausible...yeah, if I do that, sure! That'll work! :)

And putting Neji & Kankuro together, and having their love story overwhelm me and touch me...that was a really good experience :) Teach me to be a smart ass!

So...yay. I did it. And I'll be putting it up in the next weeks...Chapters 25 and 26 by themselves, because they're long, and 27, 28, and epilogue all together, probably, because they're short.

ART

Chibi Love is exploding. This morning I thought of about a gazillion ways to take it. Only I'm feeling really weird about drawing the teens having sex. DAMN! I know what I mean by it, but people are bound to put their own interpretation on it. SHIT! I don't want ot get in trouble for portraying minors having sex...even though they are not real actual people! LMAO That's the kicker...they represent whatever in your own mind. They're just...um...what's the word? That Jungian word? Why can't I think of it??? Shit...brain on the fritz. Anyway, they're like cut-out characters that you can project all your own feelings onto. They represent certain important, elemental concepts about who we are. That's how I'm using them, sort of. Though the stories are dumb, so that's making them sound too grand! LOL I have big ideas....

I hope to do one today, anyway.

SEX

Man had some good sex last night. ihad fallen asleep, and Jonathan woke me up getting in bed, and I just threw my nightgown up, and he started mauling me, and I groooooooaaaaned. That was the start of something excellent.

Heh, there's more, but I think I'll leave it there for now. :)

Happy Christmas to everyone. Remember love.

Creeping toward Christmas

Sat, 22 Dec 2007 18:48:51 GMT

Actually, it feels a little more like rocketing toward Christmas, but that doesn't alliterate.

I got everything done yesterday that I meant to do! Now, that's unusual! It's good to have a plan, even if you don't complete it..er...completely! :D (Indulging in the redundancy that I try to beat out of the poor people I beta for).

THE SEX IS BACK!

I finally got my sex. Awwwww it was so good. At the peak, I suddenly had this flash of Paris, and I realized I felt just as happy and satisfied as if I were in Paris with the whole city to meet my needs. That is a good feeling, my dears. Also, Jonathan did me the honor of being ready for another round as soon as I was finished. I'm as sexy as a young doe, I tell ya.

WRITING

Oh my God, my people, I wrote Chapter 26 yesterday! That's so good! But sadly, I'm on the home stretch. I'm going to miss this story when it's done, I think. But I'll be so proud to have written it!

ART

I did Chibi Love 5 yesterday. It was more fun than I thought it would be. Like the chapter, it just started flowing out. I have another one in mind for today. I think I finally nailed the proper ending to the Temari/Hinata "arc," but now vivi-chan at DA is very sweetly saying how she wants to read about them, so I'm tempted to do more. I think I'll finish the "arc," do a Neji-Kankuro thing I have in mind, then return to Temari & Hinata. I think vivi-chan really wants them to be lesbians! LOL

SERIOUS BUSINESS (or SRS BSNS as the title of the fan-fic goes, love that!)

For today...must buy those roasts. Um? Get kids to start cleaning up the house, as they would always do on the weekend. Start some of the cooking tasks, maybe, like roasting the hazelnuts for the yule log? But then they won't be fresh...I'm debating actually making the Yule Log tomorrow, as Monday will be full, full, full, I think. I hate to leave it sitting in the fridge for 24 hours, though. I don't remember how long it was in the fridge last year, but it didn't get soggy.

SENTIMENTAL!

I reread Vol 2 of Love Mode yesterday and I CRIED AND CRIED! It is incredibly sweet. Or I'm a sucker. Or both. I swear, yaoi manga must be written for exactly the kind of woman I am. Sex and sentimentality in a very delicate balance.

Oh, and I uploaded a great doujinshi called "Imaginary Lovers." It had five stories, and they were all great, and two of them in particular really got to me> this artist has a really clean drawing style that I really love. By Hirotaka Kisaragi. One of the stories is about a mean-spirited bet that gets turned on its head. Another one is about a boy who ends up writing love letters for someone else. They were good!!! Another really sweet one is about two boys who don't meet until after they're dead.

I feel like this was a bit flat today. Oh dear! Well live is moving along smoothly, anyway!

Sloppy Kisses

Fri, 21 Dec 2007 15:56:40 GMT

This is the first time I've used the sloppy kiss avatar. It's bothering me a little LOL

CHRISTMAS

Well Christmas is headed this way at a pretty rapid clip. I've been doing a little each day to prepare. For instance, yesterday, I finally decided on a menu. I'm going to make the roast beef with the pepper coating and horseradish cream sauce again, that I made at Thanksgiving. I'll have to buy two chateaubriands. I hope they're not too expensive!

I also have a finished guest list. Either 19 or 21 are coming, two of which are littles. That makes me glad neither of my brothers could come. With them, it would have been up to 27 people, at the least. NO ROOM AT THE INN!

I haven't wrapped a thing yet.

KIDS

We had Mel over yesterday, so Francine got lots of social time. Took the kids to Japan Town for a ramen feast then roamed the shopping center, but in the end, I didn't let the kids buy anything. It's too close to Christmas. Mel was going to buy something for her brother will, but only found something for herself, and I nixed that. I did buy some yaoi manga for myself and let Sam slip two volumes of Claymore in.

ART

Did no art yesterday, because

WRITING

I completed chapter 25! I posted chapters 22 & 23 yesterday, and that made me nervous about having only one completed chapter in reserve, so I pushed myself to finish 25. 25 is long, almost 4,000 words, and it was painful. It needs some going over. It's with Theresa. Then I'll reread it as well, of course. It's too important a chapter not to give it plenty of attention. It seems pivotal. Not sure if I will write today. I should do another Chibi Love cartoon. I've been rolling it over in my mind, and I think I finally got what the next one should be!

SEX

No sex yesterday. How is that fair??? LOL I fell asleep watching The Maltese Falcon with Sam (the kid). I kept waking up to find him staring at me or doing something else annoying. I'm afraid I may have hit him. I didn't hurt him, though. I put myself to bed after the last time.

READING

Read Volume 3 of Love Mode yesterday. Yummeh! Also, fellow writer Stephanie (poothetic is her screen name) gave me some yaoi links. I read one that was sooo good! Actually both I read were good, but my favorite was...ugh what is it called? Silently Give Yourself to Me.By Shin Mizukami. Hotness. Actually, the doujinshi seems to have several other stories in it that I didn't manage to pick up...I might go back and see if I can get them. I'm such a doof when it comes to computery stuff.

I can hear them all saying "So, that's all this chick reads...is porn???" No, really! That's not true!!! I read a Dickens novel this year...and two George Eliots...and Mary Webb (two)...and lots of other stuff! Like all of the Kinsey Millhone alphabet mysteries. I just got caught in a pr0n vortex. I'll get out of it...someday.

EATING

Nothing interesting, besides the always-delicious ramen at Tampopo. It really is the best I've ever had! We always have to ask for forks for the kids. They must be used to Japanese children!

Well...off to make some sense of the day. I'm thinking of taking the critters out for a walk in the park and washing the kitchen floor. Wish me luck.

UPDATE...

Grocery shopping complete, except I still need to get the meat for Monday. Safeway's beef section was its usual unhelpfulness... plus I spilled sugar down the aisles ,and they made TWO announcements about it. The SHAME!

And I found both of my white tablecloths and am washing one of them.

No Cute Title

Wed, 19 Dec 2007 19:01:55 GMT

"Lock the door and come over here so I can kiss your penis."
"Good morning to you, too!"

^ Actual morning dialogue.

I didn't get to kiss it, either! But I made Jonathan happy with my greeting. I don't think he appreciates the flirting n fooling around for its own sake as much as I do, and he thinks these things have to result in semen being produced. Silly man.

HAH.

I got to beta another writer's work last night and this morning. That was FUN! But betaing is hard work...as in, it takes time. But it makes me feel so very useful, just like Thomas the Tank Engine. I'm usefully reading pr0n! What a good little engine I am! (For those not involved in fan-fiction, it's not actually porn, that's just what these women like to call it...it has sex in it, but it's not porn...according to me, and I'm the authority. Believe it!)

WORK

No work! I'm on vacation!

WRITING

I started Chapter 25 yesterday, then went on a wild-goose chase looking for the episode of Naruto where poor, sweet Hayate dies. It's episode 54. Engrave that on your memory, it took lots of work to find that piece of information! And in the midst of that, I accidentally blocked the use of quicktime or whatever on IE ,and couldn't get Firefox to load, so I was really working hard for my little bit of video. In the end, the sequence was really short! And I now know why I hate Baki so much. HATE!!!!! I'm really glad I got to see the different bits of video that I did, because it refreshed my memory on the sequence of events for the chuunin exams. It's been a few months since I saw those episodes. And my memory...so bad...

ART

Posted the third Chibi Love comic! And a non-Naruto person said he liked it! So cool...check out his work. 138-Scourge at deviantart.com. http://138-scourge.deviantart.com/ But I warn you, his stuff is not sweet and cute. He's a guy, and his art is guy art. :) I met him by commenting on the very cool comic page where he tells the story about burning his hand. Then he tagged me for a meme-sort-of-thing, and then we commented back and forth. I love meeting artists at DA! What an interesting bunch. And like my entire Internet experience, I get to know people who I would never meet in real life, because, let's face it, I run in some pretty narrow circles, and I'm pretty shy.

NARROW CIRCLES

I actually like the group of people who I know in San Francisco. It's one of the things that makes me happy to live here. They are generally an interesting, smart, open-minded, and kind bunch. Sure, I meet turds. There are turds everywhere, I'm sure. But you would be amazed (come on! Be amazed!) by how small middle-class San Francisco is. You meet the same people everywhere you go!

FOOD

I made garbure last night, from Jacques Pepin's big black book. It didn't turn out quite as good as I remembered it, but it's hard to beat ham, beans, bread, and gruyere cheese. With lots of cooked-up vegetables mixed in (savoy cabbage, lovable leeks, celery, potatoes, carrots). Parsnips did not make an appearance, as I forgot to buy them, but they weren't really missed.

Today is gingerbread man day. One of the participants is still in bed.

HAIR

I'm getting my hair done this afternoon. I'm gonna be sexeh again! I just love the way I'm doing my hair these days. It's an outgrowth of my midlife sex crisis. I have her dye it brown then give it blonde highlights, and I'm having her make me blonder than ever today. SHANNARO!!! (HELL YEAH!) With my glasses on and my hair all blonded up, I feel like I can walk all over the world.

KIDS

I'm getting kind of bitchy with Francine again. Must. Watch. It. I need to get the hell off this machine and interact with the child. But I looooove living in my pr0nny little world. Tough. Do it!

Joy in the Morning

Tue, 18 Dec 2007 17:33:41 GMT

Ah, another excellent morning. Double-header. Which means, sex last night and then sex again this morning. Love that.

Last night was surprising. I had one of those orgasms where my mind kind of flees at the point of orgasm, and so I feel it as a faint echo. It's a really bad mental habit I have acquired along the road of life. I think it comes out of being a subgenre of control freak. It's really just another variation of a behavior I've had for a long time, where at the last moment when doing something I undermine my own confidence by thinking "I can't do it!" That's a really effective strategy. Because if you don't think you can do it, you can't. It works on orgasms, too!

Anyway, despite that...when Jonathan came, I had this incredible feeling of happiness. It felt like my heart was going through my body and coming out my back. That's how I visualized it. I felt this incredible sense of connection with him. It was kind of like when I read stories about Iruka & Kakashi, and the author illustrates how much they love each other...I felt that about Jonathan. It's really nice when reading fan-fiction isn't JUST about getting yourself aroused, but that it informs your life in a more substantial way.

KIDS

Stuey is here with Francine. Francine said "Let's go to a movie! Let's go bowling!" What does she think, that I'm an entertainment provider? I am NOT! I'm a yaoi-reading-and-writing machine. *sigh* I can't believe he came over ,and they were immediately at a loss for what to do! Why on earth were they so excited about getting together, then? I think I'll take them bowling. But first I'll check the movies.

HOWL'S MOVING CASTLE

I saw this anime movie two nights ago. It was so amazing. Really, really lovely! It rang lots of bells with me. The book was by Diana Wynne Jones, one of my favorite fantasy authors. She can go head-to-head with JK Rowling, as far as being a stellar fantasy writer. They have totally different strengths, but I say that to emphasize the grandeur of Jones's gift! And she's been prolific.

JOY IN THE MORNING

By the way, that is a title of a book by Betty Smith, the author of A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. It's quite a wonderful book about a very young wife and mother-to-be attending college and learning to write. I believe it's autobiographical.

In the Wee Small Hours of the Morning

Mon, 17 Dec 2007 15:03:21 GMT

Yes, I woke up early again. I woke up in the middle of a dream about Itachi, and I was trying to remember who he was canoodling with, and I ran through the possible suspects in my mind. I think it was Sasori, but I was inclined to pair him with someone else...maybe me! LOL He's been on my mind since this showed up in my deviant watch:
BEWARE! FULL FRONTAL MALE NUDITY! DON'T LOOK IF UNDER 18 OR SQUEAMISH!!! OR IF YOUR HUSBAND IS OUT OF TOWN!!!! I MEAN IT!!!1!one!
http://k-tiraam.deviantart.com/art/In-the-shower-Itachi-nudity-72016958

Anyway, I also started this whole journal entry that ended up musing about my past bosses...it was kind of interesting. If you like that sort of thing.

TO-DO LIST UPDATE

I only got one thing done from my to-do list from yesterday, which was to make a pumpkin pie. But I baked the pumpkin, scraped it, and blenderized it, made the custard and the crust, and then baked the whole thing, so that's not a small amount of work. :) Even though I could kind of do it in my sleep after so many years of pumpkin pie baking.

I probably will regret not washing the Camry windows when I drive to work this morning for the pot luck! Eeks.

Oh dear here is hubby wanting the computer. Back soon, dear diary!

Well...over 12 hours later...this is not what I would call "soon," no!

Got caught up in the activities of the day. Made two chibi comics for deviant art...lots of fun! Then had to run off to work for the holiday pot luck. That was loads of fun. I brought the kids, and we brought homemade pumpkin pie. It didn't even get eaten up, so we have some left! We always have a white elephant exchange, and it's always very loud and good fun.

When I came home, I let the kids use the computer, and I hung out with Francine for a long while, both doing art, and just lounging on the bed. I had said "Now kids, I'm taking this time off to spend time with you, so let's make sure we do some stuff together." I think she took her cue from me and glommed onto me. Smart girl!

Anyway, I e-mailed my story to myself, so I can work on Chapter 25 tomorrow with all of my tools AND on my new computer !Did I say??? My new computer came today, and Jonathan set it up for me! And when I say "new" computer, I mean "first" computer. It's a laptop, too. I'm so lucky! Jonathan acted like he wasn't going to get me one. I'm so thrilled!!! My own pr0n-writing machine!

AND...I got a new shipment of yaoi from UPS also. UPS was good to me today! Francine's having a friend over tomorrow morning, so I can probably do lots of writing and surfing and reading yaoi...sigh! Francine mentioned I could take them to Japan Town, but I think I'll wait and do that with just my kids. I don't have to get all the kids at Francine's school addicted to good ramen. Heh.

So, really really good day!

It Started with "S"

Sun, 16 Dec 2007 17:02:46 GMT

I was betaing the work of one of my colleagues at kakairu (I am now doing some betaing for two women--Giving Back to the Community!--they are besides both women who've given my fiction a lot of attention--Taking Care of my Precious People!) when Jonathan came out and pulled his dick out and started touching my breast with it. Instant hard-on! Something also captured my imagination as I leaned my head back and groaned--maybe it was the fact that I could tell my reaction was turning him on.

I liked that he approached me. Lately I've been the seme in our relationship. I like that a lot, but I also like to know I'm not overwhelming him with my demands. I like to give him the chance to be the pursuer, and of course, I like being pursued. I am 100% uke in my relations with men. Still being the seme is turning out to be an exciting adventure, in part because I can tell Jonathan loves being the uke. I like to give him that opportunity. It's exciting exploring the textures of someone else's sexuality. It's so dark and dreamy, inside there.

I told him I'd save my orgasm for tonight, in hopes that he'll remember that and service me LOL At one time, even recently, I felt it was my right and obligation to have an orgasm every time I had sex. Maybe i just read too many sex books in the '70's, I don't know! Maybe it's my own innate greediness and self-centeredness or my need for acknowledgment. But this last while, I've remembered that it's always been the lead-up to actual sex that has captured my attention. I've often thought I could have a sex life that consisted of making out and groping, because the building excitement is the most captivating to me. So now, if I feel it's too much trouble to get myself to the point again after making JOnathan get off, then I'll pass on the orgasm, because the rising excitement of getting to that point is always incredibly pleasurable.

The Rest of the Day

Sam suggested making gingerbread men, and we are running out of time! But I also have to make a pumpkin pie for the work pot luck tomorrow. And we have to get a white elephant for the exchange. What else? I'll complete my service of the Camry by washing at least the windows. It's a beautiful day, and JOnathan will want to get us outside, and that's a good idea. Lately, my resistance to getting out has been balanced by the idea of how nice it will be to make him hold my hand or touch his butt secretly.

Last Night

Sam, Jonathan, and I went out for Ethiopian food (it's just like Eritrean food, I don't really know if there's a difference!). We tried the place on Valencia and 18th or 19th. THe service was slow, but I thought the food was really good. Plus there was lots of parking, surprisingly. Our usual place is at Irving and 10th Ave, and the parking is SO WRETCHEDLY BAD. But I love the guys who run it. They are very, very nice to us! They are a family of brothers and they all play soccer in the African league here in the Bay Area.

After that we came home and watched "The Girl from Rio" with Hugh Laurie, the adorable Hugh, and I redid my chibi cartoon for the Hidden Yaoi Village Christmas challenge. I am SO not winning that contest, because I saw one other entry, and it's...um...a lot better than my two! LOL But I'm just happy to be able to make characters that look like who they are. http://mrshatake.deviantart.com/art/Chibi-Christmas-Love-72223824

First day of vacation

Sun, 16 Dec 2007 00:46:31 GMT

Well, the day started so excellent...had some really interesting sex. But then I got tired later, when I was grocery shopping, and the rest of the day has been a little like walking through molasses. I still got a lot done, though! I did everything I meant to:

1. Clean out the car
2. Clean up the manga cluttering the floor near my side of the bed and store them in Francine's room
3. Package up Froggy's goodies and send them off

1. and 2. I'm doing to make Jonathan happy. I just thought that would be nice. Besides he accused me of being one of those ladies who fill their houses with so much crap that they don't have anyplace to sleep or eat, and I can't be one of those ladies, so I had to clean it up. ANyway I thought it would be nice to do something to make him happy.

Froggy is my Norwegian friend who I met at deviantart. She seriously needed some Japanese supplies, so I did my best. Ramen, chopsticks, dango, and a volume of yaoi :) It's a CHristmas present, but my procrastination means she'll get it after Christmas.

SOMETHING STUPID

I did something really stupid! I wrote chapters 21-23 of Recapturing Love at work and forgot to e-mail them here. So I feel like I'm missing an arm, until I can e-mail them on MOnday, when I go to work for the CHristmas pot luck. I can work on Chapter 25 anyway, but I'd like to have the chapters so I can post them or proofread them or whatever. It makes me feel uneasy not to have them at hand.

Until then, I should work on my art, but I'm not feeling strongly motivated. Anyway, I'll worry about that tomorrow. I did enough today already! I'm just going to do whatever for the rest of the day! I already read a chapter of zophie's Konoha Advent series, and I read all of VernaJast's kakairu fics, which were EXCELLENT! I knew she'd be good ;) I also think very highly of zophiel. She has a lot of richness in her story.

Tonight we will go have Eritrean food for dinner. I suggested it, and sam's eyes lighted up. We haven't had it in ages. Francine is going over to sleep at Mel's house. I had the balls to ask LInda to take her, because LInda had the balls to ask me to take Mel for the day LOL I don't mind doing it. Linda is always so busy and ambitious, and I'm such a slug on the weekends, and Mel is hardly any trouble.

I'm HUNGRY!!! And my head hurts...again. Yuck.

Oh yeah I just found out someone else has read the whole Recapturing Love so far!!! SO COOL! So as well as being tired, I'm GRATEFUL!

Satisfied...

Fri, 14 Dec 2007 19:03:43 GMT

Life is so good.

WORK

Okay, I think I got 5 or 6 itineraries done yesterday, but only three before noon. They really do take a long time to do, even when I'm trying hard! I'll do more today. I only have to read some e-mails about the RFP. I'm waiting for it to be formatted. Then I'll be free to create itineraries. Edgar mentioned my work on this on the phone conference today. Made me feel acknowledged! I wasn't really listening to most of the phone call. Bad!

ART

I actually worked on my chibis last night, and liked them fairly well. But they just kept getting bigger and bigger in each frame, so I'll redo them. I also want to make Kankuro taller than Neji For some reason Neji was always taller than Kankuro! Sam noticed that I made Kankuro's butt big! Yay!

WRITING

Since I finished Chapter 23 yesterday, I haven't written anything. I feel like I'm at a stopping place for now. I'm so far ahead of where I'm posting. I guess I'll think about what goes into Chapter 24...oh no, I've already written it, hee! That's the one that is called Betrayal. Then I guess I need to think about what is in Chapter 25. This is good, as it is a little tricky. I haven't quite decided what is happening next, and it's good if I can relax and give it time.

GLEN?! Y:AY!

I just got a call from Glen, my first love who is a storyteller and lives in Brooklyn with a guy named Robb. :) My gay ex-boyfriend. That was nice! We love each other. :)

SEX

Had the most mind-blowing sex with Jonathan yesterday. He attacked me while I was reading manga! Oh, no I attacked him, and then he counterattacked. i was just feeling him up, then he pulled off my pants! And the kids were still up. Francine came and knocked on the door because she had an idea for my story. Then suddenly her voice got REALLY LOUD. Jonathan turned his head toward the door as if he thought she' d opened it, but it was locked, of course. It seems she got on the floor and was shouting through the crack. We were giggling like crazy! I told her to go away and I'd talk to her about it later.

Anyway we ended up in this position I don't remember ever trying before, and it was really good. Plus I was thinking about this yaoi story that involved a little boy who was also a cat. My impression of it was that it was WEIRD, but I was thinking about it anyway, and somehow I got myself into the story as the boy...and it just brought something out in me. I felt myself differently...so that the experience was amazing. I felt like I couldn't stop coming. Jonathan made me go talk to Francine, but I was humping his leg! LOL

TRAVEL

I decided we'd stay at home. The logistics of going to Tucson and having the holiday dinner weren't working out, but holy shit, I have to invite everyone. Can't forget to do that.

There's more, but that's most of it.

Mixed Bag

Thu, 13 Dec 2007 18:47:28 GMT

Well I've been so happy lately, so today is the switch. I'm mixed. Happy and sad and freaked out because I was such a bitch to my little Francine last night. And it's been two night a row that I was irritable with her. that's just too much. I'm supposed to be the grown-up and not take things out on someone less powerful than me. I hate that about myself. Shit! Get it together!

So that's what I'm bugged about. Resolution: all sweetness with Francine tonight. Make it about her, not about me.

I have to say, I wonder why Kurt Elling decided to record "Undun." It's just a weird choice. I kind of put it together with "In the Winelight" from Man in the Air. But if you are a genius, you have to make some strange choices, you can't stay safe. I'm pretty sure I had the single of "Undun" in the '70's. That's how I know it's spelled that way. :p I actually think the original was way cooler than Kurt's version. SHOCK!!!!!!

Enough of that, enough!

I have a really bad headache today and think I'm coming down with something. I had thought maybe I could hang out at home and work on my story, but actually I had to come in because my car is getting worked on. I procrastinated forever before calling my local garage here, so I have to get it done.

WORK

Work is going well. The RFP is being formatted, I completed the list of companies to send the RFP to. The next step is to start it on its rounds of approvals I think. Actually there was something about the District Secretary's office, but I forget what it was, and my head hurts too much to try to remember.

I have to finish this stupid list of itineraries for testing Translink. I've been working on it forever but it's just so BORING to do! I know that's so childish. I have to whip my mind into shape. I told Amy I'd commit to doing a big chunk of it before playing, but that hasn't happened so far.

So after I'm done with this entry, I'm going to complete FIVE WHOLE ITINERARIES before I check any e-mail or anything. And I'll time myself, see how long it takes to make five itineraries. Can I get them done before lunch? Okay? Okay!

SEX

Didn't have sex last night or this morning. Broke my streak! I was just so tired, I fell asleep while rereading "Shout Out Loud." The cutest yaoi novel ever :) Well not that I know, but that's what I'm saying about it.

ART
Working on the illustration for Desert Nightingale. It's very hard, and I have some ideas about printing out pictures of people playing flutes and recorders so I can get the arm positioning better. So I have a plan. I might take a break from it and draw some chibis for Vivi-chan. She wanted to see my chibis :)

WRITING
I have chapters 19 through 22 in the can and ready to go except for a last reading, and have completed 1/4 to 1/3 of Chapter 23. I have some great ideas for this chapter too. It is either the last chapter on the bridge to "Betrayal" (a chapter I wrote out of sequence) or the next-to-last chapter. It is so great to have the chapters flow out.

HEAD. HURTS.

ITINERARIES...NOW!

More coolness

Tue, 11 Dec 2007 17:10:34 GMT

Heh heh I'm happy again. Or still. Last night I had asked Francine to teach me to draw chibis so I could do an entry for the Hidden Yaoi Village Christmas art contest at deviantart.com in chibi style. But instead she played PS2 with Sam, and at 9:00 she said "Let me show you how to draw chibis!" And I said "No, you're going to BED." Hah!

Anyway she said "Oh maybe we'll both get up early again, and we can have some time together." So that's what we did. I was up before 6:00 again,and she popped up right after, and we sat down, and she drew me a chibi and narrated the process. Then I practiced, and she critiqued :) Normally I don't let her critique me very much, because I find it very irritating!!!! Nothing like having a 10-year-old giving unsolicited advice! Anyway I drew several and was really happy with them. I learned something new! Now my head is full of chibi cartoons. I developed a whole series in my head on the way to work.

What did I say about inspiration? In bed and in the car.

Oh, and I did do a non-chibi art for the Christmas contest. I think I have to start using something other than number 2 pencil (embarrassed smiley). I'd link to it, but deviant art seems to be down right now.

CHRISTMAS

I watched half of White Christmas with Sam last night! It just happened to be on. Jonathan chided me for exposing Sam to Bing Crosby. Turd. It was extremely nostalgic. I kept being bothered by the feeling that I should be watching it with my sisters. Later in bed, after sex, I cried a little bit about that. I haven't cried after sex in a long time. It was really REALLY good sex, though it would be absurd to anyone else.

TRAVELING

We're getting closer to a decision about whether to travel at Christmas time. Jonathan talked to the old folks in Tucson, and they're clear for us to come. Now we just have to decide. I'm inclined to go, but I feel like a bit of a fink in relation to the rest of the family.

WORK

I finished my research yesterday and am just waiting for a word from the purchasing director as to whether to whittle my list down, and I also need to get the list of DBE's from Gail. It was fun working with her on the DBE's yesterday. She and I have similar personalities.

Today I have to write up some notes from last week's field review of a bus stop at a high school (got an e-mail bugging me about it, had completely forgot about it). And I need to work on my list of bus trip itineraries for T testing. "T" being the regional project I'm working on. It's not really called "T." I just feel like being a little anonymous today. As Zz says, "Da Agents of da Interwebz are in ur house."

:D

Flying High

Mon, 10 Dec 2007 17:37:45 GMT

What a weekend! I'm just giddy. I wrote FOUR CHAPTERS of Recapturing Love. I should really feel like an ass after panicking last week over Chapter 15, comma, the infamous. I am a writing STUD! (Sorry I know that is not humble).

Also I drew a picture of Kankuro & Neji from Chapter 22+ (note sure of the exact number, as I have some ground to cover between the last written chapter, 20, and this one, and not sure how much). You can view it here:
http://mrshatake.deviantart.com/art/Kankuro-and-Neji-71762935

I couldn't believe how well it turned out (Sorry more bragging, but this time I'm really humble, as I really really didn't think it would turn out this well. I know lots of people could do better, but look where I'm coming from).

Plus...I did tons of Christmas shopping, got the tree up, grocery shopped, hung out with Francine...read a few volumes of yaoi (though that is not what I would call an accomplishment), loved Jonathan up several times.

GOD what a great weekend! I'm just high.

Sooo I'm really happy. Damned hormones.

I woke up between 5:00 and 6:00 every morning since Friday and couldn't go back to sleep. that is probably hormones too, but I will also entertain the possibility that it's just that I have so much to look forward to :)

Life is good.

OK I promise everyone I will get lots of work done today. I need to get a list of consultants to find ones in the bay area and have a look at the NAIC listings for our DBE officer to send RFP's to. :) :) :) <<<Happy Planner

Thu, 06 Dec 2007 17:42:16 GMT

WHAT IS IT

One thing that comes up over and over again is, is this what writing is like? I just got another lesson (ha! wrote lesion, Freudian slip extraodinaire) with the birth of the now-infamous (to me) Chapter 15. Is this what it is like, when you are determined to write, but it won't come? Is this what it's like, when you write it, but you feel something is missing? Is this what it's like, when you force yourself to write, and what you get from the process is unsatisfactory? Do I have to learn to let go and trust that inspiration will come? Can someone like me ever do that?

And yet, with this lesson, I'm very happy.

APOLOGY

I feel I have to apologize to all those who I bitched to about Chapter 15 (even though most of them don't read this). I have such high expectations about how this process will go, and when they are disappointed, then I panic and complain and wring my hands. I'm so spoiled.

At the same time I'm well aware of what a gift this time is for me, with my sudden ability to write. It's the fact that I'm aware of the dry years that went before that makes me so panicky. It's like feeling good and looking over my shoulder for the depression monster. Not yet! Don't come yet!

KNITTING

I finished one of Sam's grey pin-striped socks and started the next. It's good to be knitting again. I find my left thumb gets really stiff. It's a tiny bit worrying.

CHRISTMAS

I've been ignoring Christmas. Everything is ignored in favor of writing. This can't go on. Kids need Christmas. Christmas does not get sacrificed to pr0n.

Also, I haven't made any progress making a decision about whether we will be at home for Christmas or travel. I'm basically hoping that Jonathan will make the decision, but that seems kind of unfair. If I go to Tucson, I'll have pr0n withdrawal. LOL But Tucson in winter is soooooo beautiful.

SEX

The sexfest goes on. Hand jobs are the best.

Recapturing Love, Chapter 14: An Incident (PG-13)

Fri, 30 Nov 2007 01:56:02 GMT

Chapter 14

An Incident

“Doma arigatou, Kiroki-san!” Hayate sang. The bell tingled as he opened the shop door to leave.

“Domo arigatou!”

Hayate smiled as he tucked the pink paper bag under his arm. A dozen daifuku yomogi, Kakashi’s favorite treat, to celebrate their three-month anniversary. Kakashi loved the petite green-frosted cakes with their mild flavor of grass, and Hayate loved to indulge his Kakashi.

Hayate was conscious of the smile lingering on his face, and he tucked his head downward.

“Hayate!” He looked up. Here was Iruka-sensei. “Got yourself some sweets from Kiroki’s bakery have you?” Hayate returned the chuunin’s smile and held out a hand in greeting, which Iruka took.

“How are things at the academy, sensei?”

“This group are a challenge. I’m glad I have a day off!”

“So, da!” Hayate affirmed mildly.

Iruka made as if to add something, but--“Hey! FAGGOT!” Hayate saw Iruka flinch, and something sharp hit him on the back of the head. There was a moment of shock before Hayate felt the blood start to drip down the back of his head, and at the same time the pain began radiating outward in great circles from the spot where the thing had hit. He glanced at his feet. A stone.

Iruka had rushed off in pursuit of the three pairs of feet. Hayate turned to see who it was, but his vision began to waver. Just in time, arms held him up to keep him from sinking to the packed earth of the street where he stood. “In here,” the kind but efficient voice said. “I couldn’t catch up with them.”

And here he was, back in Kiroki-san’s bakery, being helped into a seat, Iruka calling for hot cloths and cold cloths, Iruka peering into each eye and reassuring him that all looked well. Kiroki-san floating over him with a worried, even fearful look, that was not especially welcoming. Kiroki-san relieved as Iruka shouldered his arm and looped an arm around his waist and helped him out of the shop again.

“I’m so sorry, Hayate, so sorry!” Iruka had put Hayate in his bed and was pulling the coverlet over him.

“Don’t be stupid, Iruka-sensei,” Hayate slurred, as he drifted into sleep. “You didn’t do anything wrong. Please don’t feel you have to stay.” Hayate hoped he wouldn’t. After he woke up, Hayate wanted to be alone when he relived the incident, as he surely would.

Recapturing Love, Chapter 13, Playing with Dolls (R)

Fri, 30 Nov 2007 01:52:50 GMT

Chapter 13

Playing with Dolls

Granny Chiyo stood to embrace Kankuro and whisper in his ear. “Be strong, Kankuro, my love. It will be over soon! Take your friend to see the dollies. Your father wishes it.”

Kankuro straightened and dashed the tears from his eyes, leaving a purple streak on the back of his hand. He turned a quick look of gratitude on Granny Chiyo, then turned to speak to the long-haired boy from Konoha. “Neji-kun, is it? You wanted to know about boys playing with dolls, did you? Then come along.” The boys disentangled themselves from their chairs and left the room by the opposite door from which the Kazekage had exited with Gaara. Temari and Shikamaru were already on the stairs ahead of them.

They ascended three flights of stairs and went down a dimly-lit hallway, where Kankuro unlocked and opened a door, and preceded Neji into the room, lighting lamps as he went. Slowly, a grisly sight was revealed to Neji’s eyes. Arms, heads, torsos hung from the back wall of the room. Neji’s eyes were riveted to the horrible sight, and he let out a gasp.

“Gomen! Gomen!” Kankuro said with real alarm. He hadn’t really meant to terrify his guest, just to give him a little shock. “They’re puppets!”

Neji exhaled a relieved breath. Thank God! Neji was a fierce fighter, and proud, but he never relished the suffering of any creature. What he had thought he was seeing was beyond anything he’d experienced in his life.

“Here, sit down, let me get you something!” Kankuro seated Neji in a chair facing the door and got him a glass of spirits. The boy looked as if he needed something strong, and Kankuro was honestly contrite for the scare he’d given him.

“Sankyuu!” said Neji, and took a gulp. He kept his eyes closed, then opened them to see Kankuro’s concerned face. “It’s okay. You did tell me I was coming to see dolls…I just hadn’t expected them to be life-sized…or in pieces.” He closed his eyes a moment again, but opened them quickly when the image of the hanging body parts appeared before his eyes again.

Kankuro laughed nervously and seated himself opposite Neji, on his bed. Neji’s eyes began to wander around the room. He spotted a pencil drawing over the bed, which had been colored with vivid splashes of blue and white. “Oh, that’s an ooruri, isn’t it?”

Kankuro’s eyes followed his. “Yes, I think so. Do you like it?”

“Yes. A member of our team knows something about birds, and he was helping me identify them on our journey.”

“Then you might like this.” Kankuro reached up to a shelf near Neji and brought down an old and dusty volume, opening it and turning it to his guest. Neji paged through it and made sounds of delight as he recognized some of the birds Kakashi had identified for him, and many others.

“Are these yours?”

“No, my art is only in puppetry. These were made by another guy, someone who left Suna when I was just a kid. I found them in the library and brought them up here, because I liked them.”

Neji smiled at him, glad to have found someone else his age who could see the charm of these creatures. His hand touched a paper that was not bound into the album. On it was a small, winged thing, though not a bird. Neji studied it, then looked up at Kankuro, squinting a bit. Then he laughed. “This is you, isn’t it?”

Kankuro smiled; Neji could see even under the make-up that he was embarrassed. “The bat?”

“Yes, you’re dressed as a bat. I couldn’t figure out what you were, but you’re the bat!”

“You think so?” Kankuro’s smile had become veiled.

“Yes, I’m sure of it. This is really very good, Kankuro-kun! How can you say your art is only in puppetry?”

“What makes you think I drew it?”

“Didn’t you?”

Kankuro coughed a laugh out. “Yes.” Changing the subject quickly, “Are you ready to see the dolls now?”

It was Neji’s turn to laugh at himself. “Yes, I’ve recovered from my scare!”

Kankuro took the pieces down in turn to show Neji how the parts could fit together and where weapons could be concealed; workings of eyes and individual fingers; what different feet could be placed on a leg. And Neji was dutifully attentive. He had no experience, really, with this kind of handiwork. It was a marvel to him that someone only a little older than himself could become so accomplished at making things. He watched Kankuro’s face as he explained the details, and it glowed as if from within, even through the heavy make-up. Neji wondered if the make-up was there to conceal from others what things mattered to this strange boy. He could see that in Suna it might be a great disadvantage to let other people know what you loved, especially when a hand could come and crush it in a breath of rage.

Finally, Kankuro seemed to feel sure enough of Neji’s interest to bring out his babies, the puppets that he trained with and used daily. “This is Karasu. He’s the most like me,” he said shyly. The hideous thing had a terrifying face whose marks echoed those on Kankuro’s face and a mop of black hair. Neji did not think it resembled the handsome Kankuro at all, but he didn’t like to say so, for fear of hurting his new friend’s feelings. “He surprises people with his hidden weapons.” Neji reflected that Kankuro did have a way of surprising people, at least that was his experience so far. He would be a formidable opponent. This became even more apparent as Kankuro showed him the knives and senbon that were concealed in Karasu’s various parts.

Kankuro also gave him brief introductions to Kuroari and Sanshouo. Neji made admiring noises, enough to convince his friend that he appreciated their good qualities. Really, it was a bit like meeting in-laws, as he’d heard it described by adults around him. He didn’t want to offend, but he wasn’t sure he wanted to get too close to them, either. One thing he did know, though, was that it took a good deal of trust for Kankuro to show him the weapons he would use in battle. He wondered if Kankuro and he would ever have a chance to fight together. Neji closed his eyes to imagine Karasu and Koroari coming at him. A shiver went through him.

“You’re tired. You can sleep in here. There’s room.” Kankuro put his three beloved puppets back in their boxes. Apparently when they were complete, they didn’t have to hang on the wall. “Go ahead and take your clothes off. We can both fit in my bed easily.” Neji hesitated, but Kankuro was soon occupying himself with taking off what Neji now thought of as his bat suit. Neji began stripping too, wondering if Kankuro would have laughed at his pajamas like Sasuke. A good thing that his pack had been left in another room.

“I hope you enjoyed yourself tonight. Other than Gaara choking me,” Kankuro laughed.

“Oh—yes! I mean, no! That was horrible, Kankuro-kun!” Neji looked up. Kankuro was approaching him. He wore only an undershirt and boxer briefs. Kankuro took Neji in his arms, a leg between Neji’s two legs. Neji’s balls rested on Kankuro’s thigh. A jolt went through his whole body. He couldn’t look Kankuro in the face, but felt the boy’s hands on his arms, firmly gripping him.

Neji couldn’t remember ever feeling a physical response like this to another human being. The feelings filled all of his senses and blotted out anything else in his mind. Was this what people meant by sex? Incredible sensations throbbed through his penis, like having an erection alone in bed, but so much more powerful, because his feelings of awe, pity, and excitement about Kankuro were mixed in with the physical sensations, and the sensations themselves were far greater than anything he’d felt before.

“Kankuro-kun!”he whispered, sounding almost like his shy cousin. But he pressed himself onto Kankuro’s thigh, and a sigh escaped his throat, deep and astonished.

Kankuro said nothing, only continuing to hold Neji in his arms, grateful for the quiet company of the boy with blank eyes. “Thank you for tonight. Let’s go to bed.”

Recapturing Love, Chapter 12, Moonlight Serenade (PG-13)

Fri, 30 Nov 2007 01:51:46 GMT

Chapter 12

Moonlight Serenade

The evening was coming on, and Hayate busied himself gathering files from the tables in the mission room and taking them back into the file room to reshelve. Some files had to have their pages tidied and straightened before reshelving, and others were perfectly neat. These last were Umino Iruka’s files. Hayate liked when the chuunin had a shift.

On his last trip into the mission room, he was stopped short by the sight of a silver head leaning over the staff table where Iruka made a note in an open file. Hayate stepped back and watched the two laugh and chat for a minute, but instead of leaving, Kakashi turned and looked straight at him. Hayate felt a sudden urge to hide, but he knew doing so would only draw attention to what he’d hoped would be ignored.

“Hayate! Look, you have a visitor,” called Iruka, who had only just spotted him. “If you like, I’ll put the rest of these away so you can get going.” Iruka smiled in that friendly way of his.

“Doma arigatou, Iruka-sensei,” replied Hayate, entering the room. “That would be nice.” His eyes darted to Kakashi’s, wondering if he’d told Iruka anything about his business here that Hayate would have to avoid contradicting. Damn Kakashi, he’d begged him not to make a scene in the mission room! “What brings you here, Kakashi?” No, that was too stupid! Of course Kakashi reported in at the end of daily missions. Hayate turned red over his blunder, but Iruka was already on his way into the file room and couldn’t see his face. He turned a furious look on his lover, who appeared abashed.

“Good-night, Iruka-sensei,” Hayate called over his shoulder. He would have taken Kakashi roughly by the arm and hustled him out and away from this scene of humiliation, but who knew who was lingering in front of Hokage tower enjoying the twilight coming on? Thus, Hayate was forced to walk peaceably along with Kakashi out of Hokage tower and through the town. He stuffed his hands into his pockets and hung his head down, but before long, the pleasure of matching his pace to Kakashi’s long legs overcame his perturbation, and he turned his head to peer up at the jounin.

“So why did you ask for me, Kakashi?”

“What? Did I ask Iruka for you?” Kakashi seemed confused. “Is that why you’re angry with me?”

“Kakashi,” Hayate tried to keep the frustration out of his voice, “I did ask you not to make it apparent in any way that we are together.”

Kakashi had to pause briefly to let the obvious nonsense of this statement evaporate into the cooling air. Of course, by “together,” Hayate meant “lovers,” not two shinobi walking companionably down the street.

“Saa, Hayate,” he began, placatingly, “I’m sorry. I’m not used to this, I guess.” He wished he could take Hayate’s hand to persuade him of his good intentions.

“Used to hiding a relationship with another man, you mean?”

“Yes, I suppose so,” he thought about how to say it. “Hayate, I’m just happy to come home to you every night, happy to wake up to you in the morning. The whole thing is just so wonderful, so new. I can’t wait to see you at the end of the day, and to tell you the truth, I wish I could take every guy who comes walking down the street by the collar and shout in his face, ‘I have Hayate now! He’s mine!’”

Hayate ducked his head again to hide the smile that took over his face. “That was a good answer.” A minute passed. “Kakashi?”

“Hm?”

“Maybe I should just…make my mind up to it. We’ll tell…we’ll tell people. Ne?”

“Saa, we’ll think about it. Let’s not rush too much.” His words were casual, but Kakashi’s heart rejoiced.

As they approached what Kakashi was beginning to think of as home, the place where his love for Hayate bloomed, he finally slipped an arm around his lover’s waist. Hayate settled into Kakashi’s hip happily. The air was still warm and smelled sweet, of the blossoms that had recently fallen from all of the trees around. A faint sound of music reached them, and swelled as they drew closer to the fence that enclosed Hayate’s little house. The two men could now hear words. They stopped to listen.

Understand the Night.
When she flashes her sparkling eyes at dusk,
she flirts with Twilight.
When the noise of day dies away,
the Night and Twilight stay and stay,
making quiet love up high over the town.

“It’s my neighbor,” said Hayate. “She loves this foreign music.”

“It’s nice,” replied Kakashi, pretending that Hayate’s flak jacket needed adjusting. He fitted the two sides together, tugging it tighter around his lover’s torso.

And the gentle Twilight gives his light,
making a queen of Night.

If I could, I would write a sonnet of the night as a remembrance of your eyes.

And, if you'd promise not to tell,
I could whisper the words in the dark, like a lover.
We could count the stars - the shooting stars –

“Dance with me?” breathed Kakashi. He took Hayate into his arms and began dancing him slowly in a circle.

and talk of lovers through the ages who had lived out of their dreams.
Such will and courage they needed to live in a dream;
to burn, with every breath so serene -
as if they had been the first to find love at all -
like Night and Twilight.
(They were the first of lovers ever.)
Could we be like them - hold on to one another until dawn comes?
Then, we'll fly off and dream until Night and Twilight kiss again.

Hayate dropped his head against Kakashi’s neck, and Kakashi felt wetness there.

“Kakashi!” There were tears in the voice as well.

“What, my love?”

“I want to acknowledge you as my lover!”

“Don’t cry, then, love. Be as happy as I am.”

My love - my one and only love -
let me take you out under the moonlight and show how the Twilight loves the Night;
why he lives for an hour of loving through lifetimes of longing
and sings his moonlight serenade.*

*Lyric copyright by Kurt Elling. From his album “Flirting with Twilight.” Don’t sue me, Kurt! I am only trying to spread the gospel so everyone will love your music as much as I do!